This post was typed in Gemencech, Negri Sembilan, Malaysia, not a interesting place for a holiday.

Everything happened for a reason.

As i sat in my dad's car through the North-South highway, and through the long and winding small roads, i thought about her and her, both of them. I remembered the times i had with her, and the times i had with her, and i wonder how would things have gone if i had taken different decisions and viewed things from a different perspective. I definitely wouldnt be in this shit i'm in right now. Probably my perspective of things wouldnt be so screwed up if i had not met that girl on the plane back from Beijing in P6. My life wouldnt have started unwinding. But its not fair to put the blame on her. She probably had her own difficulties. The fault should be all on me, for being so naive and stupid.

I wondered what would have happened if i had made different decisions in my life. Probably i wouldnt have even met the both of them. But meeting them have allowed me to learn valuable lessons on life.
Now my mind is still a blank as to what to do next. Hopefully, the peaceful sourroundings of Gemencech, Negri Sembilan will help me to think and reflect properly and thoroughly.
I wonder what if my family had gone to taiwan instead of shanghai last december.
I wonder what if i had behaved differently on 30th December. Maybe me and her could still have a chance. But thinking back, we were probably not fated to take such a path, whether 30th Dec happened or not. She appeared in my life for a different reason, a reason i know not, yet.
I wonder what happened to that message i wrote and hanged up on the christmas tree inside Raffles City Shanghai, on Christmas Eve. God did not fulfill my wish.
I wondered what would have happened if i had not read her blog, found her friendster profile, added her on msn. My life would be different in many ways from what it is now. But i have yet to discover the reason why she appeared in my life.
Mocha Frappucino. That mixture of sweetness and bitterness, describes the ups and downs of our friendship.
I wondered what happened to my prayer. Will God answer my prayer?

But life's never predictable.

I'm a bad guy with a screwed up mind, screwed up emotions and screwed up perspective of things. I just want to be a better person from now onwards. A better friend, a better classmate, a better senior, a better junior, a better student, a better fighter. What i need is discipline, focus, passion, determination and perserverance.

I've decided to adopt a new motto in my life, a single word, which has a deep impression in my mind ever since the first time i saw it. That word is 'Imara', swahili for strong and resolute. I used to think that Imara meant physically strong, and that being physically strong was all that mattered. But i've realised that i'm wrong. Being physically strong is only a small part of the whole picture. What matters is what's within, not what's outside. Being mentally strong is most essential for success, and mental strength is what i'm lacking. Mental strength includes emotional stability, self-control and anger management, quick thinking and logic, fighting spirit, and the most important of them all, and what i lacked, which is confidence. Even now, i still feel inferior when i see other people. What i see is that they are strong, athletic, handsome, but what i didnt see is that im way superior compared to them. But what allows them to outperform me, is because i have the wrong mindset, the negative mindset, while they have a positive mindset, and that can be seen by the people around them. Wealth is nothing. Grades and certificates are nothing. Looks are nothing. Nothing at all, when what matters is the individual, the individual'sability to gain wealth, to gain knowledge, to appear confident and stand out from the rest. Mental imara is what i overlooked, what im lacking, what i need, and what i will have. The first step to being mentally strong is to believe one can be mentally strong, and that is the first step i am going to take.

I still do feel burdened in my heart sometimes, but i know now its no longer time to look back and regret. Now its time to correct the wrongs into rights, and move forward.
I just have to let things go naturally, take a step at a time. Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

Everything will happen for a reason.
1 month gone. 5 months to go.