I'm just tired of this life. I hate life, i hate God, i hate this world, i hate everyone, and i dun noe why.
I'm not crazy. I guess im just unwell, like a broken piece of equipment. Fix it, and its good as new. I started typing this after i came home from MPP Seminar and chilling out at orchard, trying to think of what to do. Once i've typed finish this, this might be the last of the string of posts that have been coming out this few days as i grapple with myself. After i post this up, i'll make a last appearance on msn, then i'll dissappear till i deem it suitable for me to come back. I hope after this, i'll come back brand new.

I first saw her blog in around april 2006 if i rmb correctly. She was the one who caught my attention. I tried to ask a pri sch mate for her msn, but got rejected. :( lol.
A few months later, i found her friendster, got to be friends with her. I still remember the long chats we had, varying in many different topics.
She had a big influence in my life, unknown to her. She basically undid most of the effects of being in nerdish GEP. I became more fashion conscious, music conscious (after hearing only 90.5fm in my pri sch schoolbus everyday), learnt how to enjoy life, explore new things. The first time i drank starbucks was with her. And before i watched a specific jap movie with her (shall not name it), i've rarely watched movies. U can say i grew up being thrifty, sometimes to the point of stinginess, but it isnt a bad thing, as my parents were thrifty in spending money, just to give me the best that they could provide. I learnt to be more willing to spend money as result of her influence.
But warm drinks go cold, and so do relationships, including friendships. I didnt put in enough effort to keep it warm, and it slowly became cold. I've regreted it ever since, considering the possibilites that might have happened.
It's ironic how i seemingly didnt give consideration to how she feels, but i would have wanted to know what she was thinking and feeling, if i had the chance. I'm not a mindreader, u see. I'm not sure if what i think are hints are really hints, and vice versa. I dare not step over the line.

Frankly speaking, i was laughing on the outside, but i wasn't laughing on the inside, during mpp seminar, when she asked a funny question and laughed at the other guy. Thinking too much? I dunno. I know i should trust what she said, but i'm too scared to trust anyone anymore.

How to save a life
Now i'm at the crossroads of my life, constantly going one direction, just to turn back. I know i have to make a decision. Before Shanghai, i had told myself that i want to solely focus on school and judo after i come back. After that, i cant even concentrate on anything anymore. My heart is shattered, my mind is shattered, my soul is shattered, my body is shattered. I've never treasured the chances i've got in the past, and now i'm regreting it. Is it too late?
I'm like a rotten fruit, like a broken equipment. But out of the rotten fruit it can spring a new plant with new fruits, a broken equipment is good as new when fixed.
I dun even know if the feeling i have for her is just infatuation, or something more complex. But i'm not in the right state of mind right now. I hope that when i go into self-rehab, i'll understand more. Then i'll have in mind what i need to do.

Fix Me
I've decided to take a break, to concentrate on settling my life, fixing my faults. How long will i be away, i do not know. It might be a week, a month, or even a year, thou its unlikely. Sunday night will be the last night i'll be online before i leave, thou i may come online but appear offline. I'll leave so as to fix myself, so as to heal my wounds, so as to clean my mind and soul. Hopefully i'll come back fixed, good as new. Hasta la vista, i'll be back.

If only i knew right now what is in your mind.
If only i knew right now what's within your heart.

Will you still be here when i come back?
Will you give me a chance and hold my outstretched hand upon my return?

But the main question is, do u like me at all?

Otherwise all this is meaningless.But i hope not.

Bye. I'll be back, hoping to hear your answer.