Walking from a crossroad, the path i've taken leads on to another crossroad. And on each road tt i can take, there's a customs station. Once i pass it, there is no return.
Its the new year. (Hallelujah for those God-freaks haha) But this is the first time i've celebrated an unhappy, hopeless new year. Just now, i went to changi beach to see the first sunrise of the new year. It was my first time, and i had high hopes tt i will see it, and start the new year with a bang. Alas, the clouds hid the sun, as if they were trying to hide it from me. I felt hopeless, lost, and cold (both physically and mentally because of the strong breeze). For the last 2 weeks, my dream became a nightmare...
I had a least-than-expectations 2007. I got double bronze instead of the double gold i wanted. My team (im in judo fyi) was in the papers and on stomp over our loss (which shudnt have happened cos our team was strong, or so i thot), first RI c div team in 18 years to have failed to qualify for the finals, if im not wrong.
My academics didnt fare any better. i did badly in my exams. dun want to talk much abt it. and sumhow im ostracized by many of my classmates, who i had good close friendships with. The class spirit i had in sec 1 was non-existant in sec 2.
I quited church in june. Still a christian thou. Still finding a church.
Now the only close friends i have are from judo, sum from class, and a few from the shanghai tour i went on, which i will elaborate now. Even if no one reads, i'll still type it out, to relieve the stress im going thru.
So this is my side of the story:
I first met girl A on the plane towards shanghai. SQ813, if i rmb correctly. The first moment i met her, i thot she seemed familiar, like i've seen her before. So during mid flight, she was figuring out how to use the control (i guess a unfrequent tourist, like me), so i just pointed out to her the way to use the control. So end of chapter 1. *clapclap* ok watever im just bored.
So the tour went on. I got to know 2 other ppl of our generation, so lets call him Bro, and his (much) older sister Big Sis (she's a grad). Yea so as the tour went on, we played taitee (basically big 2), but i noticed girl A sitting alone 2 seats behind me. Plus, i just realised who she looked familiar to (2 ppl originally, but 3 now, cos the 3rd one slimmed down. lol), and i want to get to know her, so i wrote a letter, and left it at her seat (rather unceremoniously, cos i wanted to make it quick). I told her to leave the letter at her seat. And i took it when she wasnt noticing. This was a gamble tt paid off, cos not every girl is receptive to such stuff.
So as the tour went on, we continued to write, and i guess she already suspected it was me, but was uncertain, until i revealed my age to Bro and Big Sis, loud enuff for her (not on purpose). So when i told her to guess who i am by putting the letter at my seat, obviously it was easy for her. But what i didnt noe was tt i was dealing with a situation tt will soon become a dangerous fire.

After touring so many of the cities in Jiangnan and Zhejiang provinces, we finally got back to Shanghai. And then the characters from the other bus, Bus B, came into the picture.
We met them on the 24th, christmas eve, they were having a party of their own back in the hotel. We were abt to leave for Shanghai's Raffles City (yes raffles, "elite", whatever) and Nanjing Road. And we had a happy nite, where i wore reindeer horns (hairband with the horns basically) for the first time in my life. woah. and seeing girl A happy, i felt happy. By then, i knew for sure tt i had sum sort of feelings for her. I had made a commitment to focus on judo and sch when back in singapore, and i had a good friend, girl B, and im not sure how she will react. But i just forgot everything. Sumhow tt was the happiest christmas season i ever had.
On the 2nd last day in Shanghai, when it was free and easy, i woke up late, and found a letter at the door, folded in a way i've nvr seen before. It was a letter from girl A, with her email and contact number. A small boy told me abt the letter, and told me girl A wanted to see me. I thot what for, and is the small boy playing tricks on me? I was still feeling lethargic, and went down late, a decision i regreted ever since.
I spent the whole day feeling empty (the reason u probably know by now). We got back late, and the bus A plus bus B ppl had just finished a small party at the lobby. I met girl A later (our hotel rooms were on the same floor), and asked abt morning's incidents. She said it wasnt anything, just the boy playing tricks. But by then, my dream has already started to turn into a nightmare even before i knew it.
My mum had told me the night before that girl A invited (sort of) me to her room to play cards in the morning. So i went. And then eveything was ok, the small kids were playing, i flipped a small kid (who i quite like actually, just tt he's quite erm... ego in a sense tt he's very protective of his pride, not negative but not positive either) and made him angry, later bought him cadbury chocs to cheer him up. But yea i was getting a bit too playful. And guy A, from bus B was in the room also.
At this point i seriously dunno how to go on with the story. My head goes dizzy from this stress, i've been losing appetite, my chest felt tight just now. Well i'll try to go on...
Yea so this guy A is in upper sec, from MSHS (chinese name same as hai xing catholic school). Talking abt MSHS, its sumhow a jinx to me, now tt i thot abt it.
So yea nothing wrong. Took the bus back to the airport. I actually got a small keychain i wanted to give to the girl. Big Sis helped me give it to her eventually at Changi Airport, cos i dunno how to pass it to her in front of her parents and relatives, who might think of a thousand different weird stuff just becos of this keychain. So yea just a gift of friendship i guess.
There was a bbq organised by guy A, at guy A's house. sumhow on the way there, i had this weird feeling, and weird thots keep going through my mind. I felt worried abt her. Well i just went to the washroom, and kiss my cross, to reassure me tt everything's alrite.
She already went early to help out (wow so early, like less than a week of noeing each other?) Yea on the bus heading to guy A's hse, didnt noe what to talk to her. Guy A was like trying to encourage me to talk to her, but my mouth wouldnt listen, plus she was facing the other way. I told them i was moody, but tts just an excuse. I was getting jealous and i dont noe what to do.
At the hse, played cheat with guy A's friends. Dunno what to talk to her. Sum how she was becoming guy A's buddy, and they were talking and joking with each other. And i dun even noe what to do to be friendly with her.
So later we 3, plus Bro and Big Sis, went to the nearby playground. And the sight i saw made me lose it (not get angry but... yea upset). Girl A got on to sum twirly wirly fun thing, and guy A was pushing her along, and they were like happy. Even Bro and Big Sis was just sitting and playing by the side. (In sumone's words, its flirting, and i totally agree with it). I just walked away...

I couldnt stand tt sight. They sort of looked like a couple. I just walked away as fast as i could. Then i stopped at sumwhere where they couldnt find me. I felt like crying for being a loser. But only a few tears came. I felt like crying out, but couldnt. The church was just a few metres away, but the fence made it feel as if God is forever out of my reach. I just dunno what to do.
I walked back quickly to the hse, took my bag and bid farewell (forever) to guy A's friends and relatives. And i went t the bus stop. It took forever for bus 169 to come, but when it came, i couldnt get myself to board the bus. I didnt noe whether to go or to stay. I jus couldnt bear to forget her just like tt. I hid behind the busstop billboard. People walked past and looked at me but i didnt give a damn. I know he and she were headin for the busstop. Then 169 came(again)...

I thot she probably boarded the bus, so i stood up and looked at the bus. She wasnt inside. Then i turned around, and they were standing 10m away from me. I was stunned. But the foolish then of me didnt noe what to do. I just walked away. Guy A catched up with me. Tried to clarify things at 7-11, over drinks, while she waited. Outside of 7-11, and not at the busstop as i had thot. If she heard what we were discussing, i can go and ram my head on the wall!
So i went back and played soccer with his friends, while he continued 'socialising' with her. I just concentrated on soccer, but stole a few glances at her now and then. My new found soccer buddies constantly called out my name, praising me, treating me like a god cos i have futsal shoes on and can collect the ball from the grass. But i bet she nvr paid attention.
I saw her home. Looked out of the window throughout the bus trip, even when she was sitting in front of me and can clearly see what was happening to me. I called my coach to talk, to seek counselling. Even on the mrt, i nvr paid attention to her anymore, cos i noe i dun deserve to, and its useless aniwae. In the end, accompanied her back home, in the cold night. But i guess i was the only one cold. The usually tolerant me have felt very cold in any wind ever since. I guess i was half-hoping a pontianak would just rip off my balls tt night.
Yesterday, i went to the multistorey carpark's highest level (which is empty), kneel, and prayed to god for the first time since eoys. I guess i havent been a good christian, but i still sent out a SOS to him aniwae. After i prayed, i opened my eyes just in time to see the last sunset of the new year. I felt peaceful after praying, and was optimistic i would still end the year with a bang. But it was not to be.

I feel so tortured, so hopeless, so unconfident. Everytime i think abt her i feel pained. When i went to see the sunrise, i couldnt see any, and felt hopeless and very very cold in the morning breeze, till i became numb to it. When i came back, i tried to sleep, but couldnt, cos he and she constantly haunts my mind. That is why i decided to revive my blog, and have an avenue to relieve myself of the stress that is haunting me. She wanted the 3 of us to remain friends despite feelings or not, but i feel so extra, so tortured to even be in front of them, that i doubt i can. The most is msn buddy, but that is nvr a true friend. I really feel so tortured, so pained, so troubled, that i can hardly describe it. I want to forget them once and for all, but i cant, cos i'll feel tt shanghai is fruitless without her as a friend. I dunno why im always toyed around. I feel so helpless, so unconfident. I dun even noe if i can ever talk to girls in person without stuttering and stumbling animore. Im a sad guy. I dun even noe how to have fun. I guess tts all abt it.

Aniwae i've asked them out to meet me later at starbucks for a open chat. I guess i just want to clear things up, throw all the rubbish in the dustbin, and move on with life. I still got my friend girl B to be concerned abt (cos i neglected her as a friend), judo, and sch. My coach moved on even when his windscreen got broken after he broke up with his den gf (dunno if he'll be angry at me saying this but this is an example i want to follow). So i'll just pick up the pieces and move on with life like nothing ever happened. My coach said, this is the reason why God let u be a teenager, to learn from experiences, and i agree very much with him.

Thanks God.

To guy A and girl A: if u see this, i would like to say i have nothing against both of u. im just stressed up. And i think i'll like to move on with life. Good luck to u both.

To girl B: Hey i dunno if u'll be affected by this post. But i rather be honest than hide this and keep my stress within me (not healthy for me). Hope u can become my 'soul sista' haha. Friends forever.

Bro n Big Sis: Dun worry i'll treat u both as my good friends forever. And Big Sis, must guide me on alcohol next time kay? I badly want to try vodka. (yes russian is gooood! so is putin, cos he's a judoka haha)

Good luck everyone for 2008. And i nvr regreted going to Shanghai and Jiangnan. Will even work there next time if the conditions are rite. And my hongxing erke shoes are working even better than my nikes!

Labels: life